Week 22 - TUE 3.30 HEY ALANIS! WE'VE GOT IRONY!  At last we have a winner of the STD Big Brother Clubhouse and the winner is...not a member of the Severe Tire Damage! Pavol Demitra, traded from the STD in Week 13, has ousted Olli Jokinen by a vote of 7-4. And that means that the winner of the home game is the Freeloaders, who will receive a fabulous prize at this year's draft.

After dismissing Kaberle (week 14), The Brow (19), Sydor (20), and Marchant (21), the wisecracking Jokinen could not better Pavol "Ass Hands" Demitra. Demitra had only faced eviction in week 15 against Mike Fisher. He was, however, traded from the STD to SOTI in week 13.

"This is the greatest moment of my life," said Demitra. "I've never won anything before. This is just great. And I'm really happy to get out of the Clubhouse and that skank a#$ &$(#&% &$&%(*$# Jokinen."

The Freeloaders tried to contain their obvious excitement. "What? We won something? This isn't one of those deals where we have to go look at the condo before we get the 'prize' is it? Oh, cool. <beat> No. No. If my father is going to present it, I don't want it. Seriously. No."

With that we will close the doors on this year's Big Brother Clubhouse. There may be many more. But before we go we would like to point out the fantastic season the STD have had. No one picked them to finish higher than 11th this season. Their team looked, well, awful. Even Damage management declared that the STD draft may have been the worst draft, not in the history of the Damage, but in the history of the DOH. But here they sit with the second best record in the DOH. Well done ladies. You've taken a team of crap and made them something better than crap. And you might have even landed in first place had you not traded away Pavol Demitra, <booming voice with echo> THE STD BIG BROTHER CLUBHOUSE WINNER <end booming voice, continue echo for 5 seconds>.

A list of who was playing for whom:

Marty Turco	SB
Peter Forsberg	SB
Evgeni Nabokov	MM
Alex Khavanov	STD
Pavol Demitra	FL
Alexei Kovalev	PJP
Tomas Kaberle	TBS
Olli Jokinen	LPS
Ryan Smyth	TBS
Petr Sykora	LG
Alexei Zhitnik	LG
Martin Skoula	SS
Byron Dafoe	SS
Byron Dafoe's Eyebrow	LPS
Todd Marchant	KRP
Martin Gelinas	FL
Darryl Sydor	PJP
Jason Arnott	LPS
Sean Hill	MM
Joe Nieuwendyk	SOTI
Mike Comrie	SOTI
Mike Fisher	STD
Dan Blackburn	KRP

Thanks so much to everyone for participating!

Week 22 - TUE 3.23 Last week, Todd Marchant was voted from the Big Brother Clubhouse. The announcement of Marchant's eviction came later than expected while charges of vote tampering were investigated by the show's producers. Some claim that Jokinen's "charming" personality was not the reason that he has remained in the Clubhouse—it was the Finnish mafia. After Marchant was voted from the Clubhouse by a wide margin, rumors began to circulate that Finnish "toughs" who specialized in the illegal export of softpulp woodboard were influencing votes.

The authorities in Finland were contacted and a brief but through investigation was conducted. The Police Chief of Finland issued the following statement this morning: "Yo. We ain't got nuffin on these woodpulp bitches. Tha charges is straight up whack. We is closin' this motherf#$%er." Producers of Big Brother believe this statement to mean that there has been no vote tampering. Nevertheless, a close eye will be kept upon the voting process for the final vote this week.

Allies Pavol Demitra and Olli Jokinen are the last two remaining Clubhouse Guests. Initially drawn together because of their baldness, the pair has become fast friends. But, like certain other NHL players, that won't stop them from taking cheap shots at each other the remainder of the game.

So we are down to the last battle. And with the eviction of the KRP represented by Marchant, only the Low Pressure System and the Freeloaders remain in the quest for the first annual Big Brother Clubhouse title.

Demitra's speech: Please make me the winner. Then with my winnings, I can retire and I won't have to play with an underused, underachieving Johnson anymore.

Jokinen's speech: Won't be no denyin' my greatness when I pull the card on Demitra. Dude's too brittle to throw down. Know what I'm sayin'. Don't let me come all this way and start playa hatin'. I got nothin' but love for you baby. That's right. I'm talkin' to you. Nothin' but love.

Week 21 - TUE 3.9 BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR  This week's nominees are Olli Jokinen and—you asked for it—Todd Marchant. By our half-hearted calculations, this marks Jokinen's fourth nomination and Marchant's FIRST. Likewise, Demitra has been nominated only once. The producers of Big Brother Clubhouse are at a loss to explain why Marchant and Demitra have been able to escape nomination on so many occasions, especially given our highly scientific method of pulling little pieces of paper out of a plastic Kroger bag.

Jokinen is scoring at a .9 ppg pace, while Marchant has only been able to muster .6 ppg.

Jokinen's speech: Playaz one step closer to the bling bling.

Marchant's speech: Hey, I like the rap too.

Week 20 - FRI 3.5 SELFLESS ACT BY PJP SENDS SYDOR PACKING  Darryl Sydor became the 20th player evicted from the Big Brother Clubhouse. As one would have expected from two such great players, the score was tied late in the voting. A single vote would determine who would go home. Who cast that vote? The Predator's GM. And in a selfless, no-prize-wanting act, the Predators cast a vote to evict their own player. Only the TBS have shown this kind of fortitude this season.

The vote does, however, screw the Itchy as it leaves only players from the FL, KRP, and LPS in the Clubhouse. The KRP has already secured The Martin. The LPS is presently in the driver's seat for the Milhouse, and the FL are vying for the Bleeding Gums. No doubt all of these teams are more concerned with their chance at the first Big Brother Clubhouse Award.

But don't worry if you don't have a player in the Clubhouse—there's always next year. It looks like the program has been picked up for another season and there's no reason to expect that the series will end any time soon. Only a swift and merciful death could end the Big Brother Clubhouse. No, we're not stopping. We're going to keep doing this. Why would we stop? Why would we want to? Why would we want Gili to end? That's right, we wouldn't. Why would we want Paul Simon to stop singing? Would we ask Keanu Reeves to stop doing movies? Or Full House reruns to end? No! It's the same reason I have the doctor perform the prostate exam on me daily. We live for this stuff.

Week 20 - TUE 3.2 BATTLE OF THE TITANS!  Palsy ain't no ghetto pass. Darryl Sydor will have to try to get past Olli Jokinen this week. Both have survived numerous nomination challenges, but only one will be in the Clubhouse next week. Jokinen has amassed 37 DOH points, Sydor 35. Sydor has DOH points in 19 games, Jokinen 14. Jokinen was drafted in the 8th round, Sydor in the 16th. Jokinen has control over both sides of his face, Sydor, one side.

Remarkably, Pavol Demitra and Todd Marchant have escaped nomination yet again. The two have remained virtually anonymous within the Clubhouse, but for the brief Brow-Demitra toupee incident. Demitra has an alliance with the other bald man, Jokinen. Marchant has sided with Sydor. However, no one knows how things will shake out, and allegiances could change at any time.

Tune in later this week to see who gets shown the door.

Sydor's speech: Only if I win will I be able to pay for the medical attention I need. Please don't vote to evict me.

Jokinen's speech: Sydor's a sucka. After this thing's over, and I win, God willin', we'll all roll up in my 808. We'll be bangin' yo. Next week I hope that ya'll ul find me in Club, bottle full 'a Bud, cuz I got what you need when you need to feel a buzz. Know what I'm sayin'.

Week 19 - SUN 2.29 EYEBROW KICKED OUT OF CLUBHOUSE   The Big Brother Clubhouse was rocked with controversy this weekend when the Eyebrow was kicked out of the Clubhouse. Sunday morning, the Clubhouse was awakened to cries of, "No you din-nt! No you din-nt!" A great deal of commotion then ensued.

Olli Jokinen explained what had happened. "So yo, get this. I'm chillin in the bed dreamin' bout this senorita with big...anyway, yo, I can't breathe. Know what I'm sayin'. That little Brow punk has crawled up and blocked my nose from breathin'. Luckily, I got mad breathin' out my mouth skillz. Didn't count on that, did you, you little lint wannabe. So yo, then it was on, ya know what I'm sayin'. I ain't takin' that. So I start droppin' bombs. Know what I'm sayin'. I ain't goin' out like that."

The tapes confirmed Jokinen's version of the event. Based upon the Eyebrow's attempt to smother Jokinen, the producers of Big Brother Clubhouse had no choice but to expel the Brow from the game.

"I tell ya. That Brow best hope that it don't run into my boyz from Kuopio. The Fins, they got my back, yo. They'll pop a cap in his...in his...well they'll pop a cap in him. Know what I'm sayin'. No little punk ass woolly worm gonna take me out. I'm too hard for that playa."

Now only four remain. Two more ClubhouseGuests will be nominated tomorrow. The Eyebrow was playing for the Low Pressure System. The DOH teams remaining in the Clubhouse are FL, KRP, LPS, and PJP.

Week 19 - TUE 2.24 IT'S LIKE DÉJÀ VU ALL OVER AGAIN, SORT OF   This week, Olli Jokinen and the Brow are nominated for eviction. Jokinen averages only .89 points in NHL games and .71 in DOH games; nevertheless, he has been a big contributor for the Damage this season. "His Clubhouse presence has helped the entire team," explained Demitra. Everyone in the Clubhouse did not share this sentiment. Darryl Sydor said, "The dude's funny looking. His head is shaped like an egg. And I can't understand a word the guy is saying."

The Eyebrow's speech: <squeak> <slight wiggle> <squeak>

Jokinen's speech: Yo. I'm gonna get all up in tha Hair's grill. But yo, dig. Ain't got no grill. Da shizzle's in the fashizzle dizzle. Know what I'm sayin.

Week 18 - FRI 2.20 EYEBROW TOPS HILL BY A HAIR   Sean Hill was evicted from the Big Brother Clubhouse this week, leaving only Pavol Demitra, Olli Jokinen, Todd Marchant, Darryl Sydor, and the Eyebrow. Divisions in the Clubhouse have now solidified—bald men Demitra and Jokinen against Marchant and Sydor. The Eyebrow remains the swing vote. Both groups lobbied the Brow after Hill's eviction. The Eyebrow appeared to "squeak" a pledge to both groups and no one knows where its allegiance really lies.

Only four weeks remain and all appear ready to leave the confines of the Clubhouse. Last week, Demitra finished the hockey stick he was whittling out of a piece of driftwood. Marchant and Sydor have even grown tired of covering each other from head to toe in athletic tape. Olli Jokinen claims that all the time in the Clubhouse is ruining his "street cred." "Yo, my sizzle's on da fizzle, yo."

Week 18 - TUE 2.17 THE GREATEST WEEK OF BIG BROTHER TO DATE!  We could not have asked for more drama at the Clubhouse—this week's nominees are Sean Hill and the Eyebrow. At long last, we will see if the Brow has supporters or gawkers.

Sean Hill has been a valuable member of the Damage squad. He scores .55 ppg and is the eleventh best defensman in the DOH with 1.38 DOH ppg—very impressive for a guy with a completely flat head. He even had 5 points in last week's game.

By comparison, the Eyebrow has no points in the DOH. Dafoe, who now plays for SOTI, scores only 2.38 ppg and has 3.14 gaa. At least his save percentage is a whopping .898. So if you extrapolate by body weight, the Brow scores .003 ppg and has a save percentage of .0008. Not too shabby considering the Eyebrow has no visible means of locomotion.

The winner of this one makes it into the final five. Who will it be? You decide.

Hill's speech: I can use my head as a level.

Eyebrow's speech: <squeak>

Week 17 - FRI 2.13 OOOOH! FAT TONY IS GOING TO BE MAD!  The odds on favorite to win Big Brother Clubhouse, Evgeni Nabokov (Mighty Mice), was voted from the Clubhouse today. Nabokov and his zit left immediately after the decision was made public. Only the FL, LPS, KRP, PJP, and MM are left. Will it be the Itchy or the Scratchy that brings home the first Big Brother Cup?

Now only six participants are left in the Clubhouse and tensions are rising. Bald men, Demitra and Jokinen, hid all the hair care products in the Clubhouse in order to make the others less appealing. Sean Hill publicly stated that Demitra and Jokinen were bald in order to make them seem less appealing. Todd Marchant, who has a marginal quaff, was clearly caught in the middle. But Marchant, who is not one to normally split hairs, feared that he would receive the brush off from both groups if he did not style a proper response. In the end, he shaved half his head, at which point he was officially labeled a "wuss" by everyone.

The Eyebrow has become a regular member of the Clubhouse. Darryl Sydor and the Brow sit and discuss politics most mornings over coffee. While Sydor is concerned about the threat of deflation and its effect on the proletariat, the Brow is more focused on the trend towards waxing. Both are undecided with regards to the upcoming election.

Week 17 - TUE 2.10 WEEK 17 NOMINEES: DARRYL WANTS TO SHOW EVGENI SY-DOOR   You guessed it. This week it's Evgeni Nabokov against Darrrryl Sydor. Unbelievably this was Nabokov's first nomination and he was visibly shaken after his name was announced. Nabokov was so worried that immediately after the nomination ceremony, his Zit began talks with Dafoe's Eyebrow in hopes of forming an alliance.

This was Sydor's third nomination and he seemed to take it well. His palsy-induced grin never wavered for a moment. He appeared to have gained confidence since ousting Forsberg and Skoula.

Both Sydor and Nabokov have played well down the stretch and helped the Damage on their current winning streak.

Nabokov's speech: Don't let my teenage complexion fool you. I know people. I know dangerous Russian people.

Sydor's speech: Please don't vote me out. I need the prize money to straighten out my smile. I'm kinda cute otherwise, don't you think?

Week 16 - FRI 2.6 BYE, BYE BLACKBURN, BYE, BYE  Dan Blackburn, we feel like we barely knew you. By an overwhelming majority, the seldom seen Dan Blackburn was eliminated from the Clubhouse this week. It appears that Blackburn's "invisible" strategy may have backfired. "Why would we want to keep the guy around? We didn't even know him. That and the guy looked like death," explained Darryl Sydor. Sean Hill added, "I saw the guy lick raw meat late one night. Scary dude." In addition to his translucent pallor, Blackburn startled many with his choice of hair style. "I'd like to see the Eyebrow take on that butt-cut," joked Hill.

Immediately after the eviction, it was believed that Blackburn left the Clubhouse, although none could be certain. It did, however, appear to please the ClubhouseGuests when the coffin was removed from the premises.

Week 16 - TUE 2.3 WEEK 16 NOMINEES - NO DAMAGE  This week, for a change, no one that plays for the Damage was nominated for eviction. Pavol Demitra and Dan Blackburn are this week's nominees. Demitra was traded to SOTI for Game 25. All others who were traded have been evicted from the Clubhouse. Demitra, who averages 1.4 ppg and obviously feels some affection for his old team, managed to put up "0" against the Damage in Game 28 against SOTI.

And while we're on the topic of big zeros, Dan Blackburn is also up for eviction. The Eyebrow has seen more time in net this year than Blackburn. When Mike Dunham was injured, the Rangers even called up some guy named Labarera to back up Markkanan.

Blackburn, much like the Eyebrow, is seldom seen in the Clubhouse. Everyone knows that they're there somewhere, but no one really wants to see them. As Todd Marchant put it, "It's bad enough that the guy has the complexion of a vampire, but that butt cut—that's too much. That's every bit as creepy as that eyebrow."

Week 15 - MON 2.2 IT AIN'T SO FUNNY NOW  Pavol Demitra had the last laugh this week when Mike Fisher was voted from the Big Brother Clubhouse. Sadly, the Severe Tire Damage have now been eliminated from the Clubhouse, barring a trade of some kind. Ironically, it was former Damage player Demitra that dealt the final blow to the Damage's hopes of winning Big Brother.

Now there are only eight players left in the Clubhouse:

• Evgeni Nabokov 3.76 ppg
• Pavol Demitra 1.4 ppg (SOTI)
• Olli Jokinen .83 ppg
• Todd Marchant .67 ppg
• Darryl Sydor .37 ppg (not including defensive points)
• Sean Hill .5 ppg (not including defensive points)
• Dan Blackburn 0
• The Eyebrow 1.76 ppg (SOTI) (1/2 of Dafoe's total)

Pick your favorite. Fat Tony has the odds on Nabokov at this point. Please make sure that gambling is legal in your state should you choose to wager.

KHAVANOV APPOLOGIZES FOR SUPERBOWL INCIDENT  Khavanov, the choreographer for the Jackson-Timberlake half-time performance, apologized for the breast bearing incident. In a prepared statement, Khavanov said, "I apologize to all of you who did not get to see the boobie. I intended for it to be exposed for much longer."

Week 15 - THU 1.29 WEEK 15's NOMINEES ARE IN!   Up for eviction this week are Pavol Demitra and Mike Fisher. This should be an interesting week, because—a little known fact—these guys hate each other. Demitra's Clubhouse picture was actually taken while he was looking at Fisher. Apparently the feud extends back years to when each of these guys was playing in a junior league Big Brother Clubhouse. Apparently Fisher, in a sophomoric prank, taped Demitra's hand to his posterior while he was sleeping, thus earning Demitra the nickname "Ass Hands" for years to come.

Only time will tell what whacky frivolity may ensue.

Week 14 - FRI 1.23 FEELING KABERLOW   (This update comes a little late due to a brief writer's strike).

This weekend, Tomas Kaberle was voted from the Clubhouse. The oafish-looking party boy left without much fanfare. The first words uttered by Kaberle after his eviction were, "Gotta light?" The stranger responded, "No." Kaberle replied, "Yeah, you do." Stranger, "No, I really don't." "Ok," said Kaberle.

Perhaps the cruelest cut of all was the vote of Neil Robinson to evict his last remaining player from the game. "I just couldn't win that way," said Robinson. While clearly the statement left clarity to be desired, it did make a point—that is, you can't "win" if your "way" is to cast the deciding vote to evict your player. Many surmised that Robinson felt that he could gain more in kickbacks for his vote than he could if he won the entire competition. This is undoubtedly true.

The DOH teams remaining in the Clubhouse are:

• MM (2)
• FL (1)
• LPS (1)
• KRP (2)
• PJP (1)
• STD (1)

plus - the Brow playing for an unnamed DOH team.

Week 14 - TUE 1.20 WHO'S UP IN WEEK 76? er...MAKE THAT WEEK 14! (We're going to be doing these pages for 10 years I fear)  I know that you home viewers have been anxiously awaiting the announcement of this week's nominees, and here they are—Tomas Kaberle and Olli Jokinen. No I'm not Joke-inen. (rip shot please). This is the first nomination for each of these ClubhouseGuests who had remained relatively anonymous this season. Kaberle's "brief" moment in the sun took place earlier this season with the unfortunate lettuce-peanut butter-bikini incident. Since the departure of fellow party-boys Khavanov and Smyth, Kaberle has settled down, sitting on the couch, eating Ho-Ho's and watching reruns of Three's Company. No longer does he even wash his delicates in the dishwasher. "He's much more of a complete house guest," said Daryl Sydor. "He's matured a lot."

Olli Jokinen, however, has remained the same wise-crackin' street wise kid that he was when he entered the Clubhouse. "As long as he gets to watch his Yo MTV Raps tapes, everything is fine," explained Sean Hill. "It's still a little annoying when he pours out our milk on the floor for his 'homies.' But we all have to be tolerant of other cultures when living together. I'm sure that some of the things that I do seem strange to him too. Like I wear shorts that don't touch the ground when I wear them. That kind of thing." After initially threatening to "pop a cap in the ass" of anyone who voted for him, Jokinen settled down and prepared for a long week of uncertainty.

Kaberle's speech: Don't vote me out. I was just in the midst of planning a midnight escape run for more munchies.

Jokinen's speech: Yo. You can't vote me out. Know what I'm sayin'. I got mad skilz wif da dishwasher and &^$#, yo! If you vote me out, I'll bust you up so fast you'll see it coming a week after it hit you.

Week 13 - FRI 1.16 DARYL TAKES MARTIN TO SKOULA.  That's right, the rally monkey himself, Martin Skoula, was voted from the Big Brother Clubhouse this weekend. Despite a late inning push to save himself, Skoula could not turn the tide.

As the weeks pass, the Clubhouse grows more and more tense. Two events did not help the situation. The Eyebrow came out of hiding. Many in the Clubhouse still remain visibly nervous around the brow. "It's just weird," said Mike Fisher. "Now don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against hair. But it's an eyebrow. And we never saw it but we knew that it was creeping around...kind of like Dan Blackburn now that I think about. Have you guys seen him?"

The other event was related to the Brow as well. Now you might have thought that the producers of Big Brother Clubhouse would have planned for the possibility of a trade of a ClubhouseGuest. You would of course be wrong. The hairless Pavol Demitra and the hairy Bryon Dafoe were traded to SOTI for game 25. Both Demitra and the Brow feared they would be removed from the running. Ultimately, the producers thought that it would be funny if a traded Damage player were the ultimate Tire of the Week, so Demitra and Dafoe were allowed to stay.

Week 13 - TUE 1.13 NEW WEEK, SAME NOMINEES   Martin Skoula and Darryl Sydor have again been nominated for eviction this week. For Sydor, this marks his second nomination—in Week 11, he sent Peter Forsberg packing. Skoula bested Byron Dafoe in Week 7.

Skoula holds the advantage in DOH ppg. He leads .72 ppg to .61 ppg. Sydor has the advantage of getting Forsberg evicted.

Both were happy that they were not selected for nomination on the same week as Dafoe-Brow-04. The Brow has yet to be located and informed that it is now a full fledged member of the Clubhouse, but a full scale search is presently underway.

Skoula's speech: I know I look like the Rally Monkey, but I'm actually involved in a win every now and again.

Sydor's speech: I can't feel half my face.

Week 13 - MON 1.12 CLUBHOUSE "BROWS" TO PRESSURE OF FHCM   In an effort to make the program "high brow," settle an impending lawsuit with the Facial Hair Club for Men, and help our slacking ratings, Big Brother has officially added as a ClubhouseGuest everyone's favorite bit of facial hair—Byron Dafoe's eyebrow! (only the right one).

A spokesman for the FHCM stated, "We're pleased that we could reach a resolution to this situation. We would, of course, have preferred to bring both of Mr. Dafoe's eyebrows back, or a goatee, or beard, but we are satisfied with the compromise."

Unfortunately, the Eyebrow has still not been located within the Clubhouse in order to receive the official invitation.

A DOH member will soon be notified that the Eyebrow is playing for his or her team. This year's DOH team may also receive a visit from the popular brow after the season is concluded. "Plucker" up and enjoy!

Week 12 - FRI 1.9 PETR FINDS MISSING "E" IN EXIT SIGN   Again, lobbying apparently played a part in this week's eviction. The Freeloaders sent numerous email and messages promoting Sykora's eviction. "I don't know why he can't get over it," said Sykora said of Big Garth Stud. "I didn't mean to send his dirty magazines to his parents' house. It was an accident. I've apologized fifty times for cryin' out loud."

Sykora's eviction means that the LG are no longer in the running for the most coveted and yet to be established winner's thing. The Greens lost Zhitnik in Week 8—a bit of bad luck because Sykora and Zhitnik were each nominated that week. Nevertheless, the Greens did little to save Sykora in the face of Big Garth's rage. "I would like to see someone pick up Sykora and use him to beat Brian Boucher to death," stated the Freeloaders' GM.

After the eviction, the biggest change in the Clubhouse was the amount of milk that was consumed. Everyone was drinking it. It was explained that the absence of Sykora allowed the Clubhouse guests to retain their milk money.

Credible reports indicate that the Facial Hair Club for Men may file an injunction to force Sykora's return and draw attention to their cause. "Sykora was the last guy in the house with facial hair," said their president who is also a member. "Even for the weeks he spent covered in Nair doing battle with the Eyebrow—which we also support—he never removed his facial hair. I bet this Garth guy couldn't even grow a little Hitler mustache, let alone an Amish Beard, or Fu Man Chou, or Grizzly Adams. Garth needs to step back and take a look at his clear FFH—sorry, that's 'facial follicle hatred.' We can help with that. We have classes, and for four easy payments, he could become a member and have all the facial hair that he wanted. Anyway, we at the FHCM demand Sykora's return. Back hair in the Clubhouse is not good enough, something Big Garth Stud clearly does not have to envy. As we say in our meetings, 'Hey playa, don't hate the hair, hate the face. Holla.' "

Week 12 - TUE 1.6 IT'S GETTING HARD TO BELIEVE... Well, we've just passed the halfway point with eleven evicted and ten still to go. This week we have a rookie nominee in Sean Hill, as well as—would you believe it—Petr Sykora, his fourth time on the hot seat. Sykora has gone up against the likes of Nieudjajyk, Zhitnik, and fan favorite Khavanov. Sykora is still moving along at a .92 ppg average. Sean Hill is the second best of the Damage defensemen, scoring 1.14 DOH ppg. Hill has 24 DOH points on the season to Sykora's 23. With another point or two, Hill will move into the top 25 defensemen in the DOH, even with his Chutes and Ladders partner being booted out of the Clubhouse last week.

Both players have contributed to the Damage's 8-2-1 record over the last 11 games. And it looks like that record will improve with a win against the league's first place team this week, with 2 points from both Hill and Sykora.

Hill's speech: Just like the name says, I'm tough to climb and you can fall down me if you're not careful. I'm Seanny "Fair Play." Sykora better watch out this week 'cause bad things could happen to him. I'm just like my name, I'm tough...wait, already said that.

Sykora's speech: Are you saying I was nominated two weeks ago? Seriously? *&(%!

Week 11 - FRI 1.2 AIN'T GOING TO BE NO RECOUNT! FORSBERG VOTED FROM THE CLUBHOUSE. SCANDINAVIA IN DISTRESS. Fat Tony had a rough week as Peter Forsberg beat the odds and was voted from the Clubhouse by a wide margin. When reached for comment, Fat Tony explained, "Fat Tony does not like to see others with Fat Tony's money."

Across the country of Scandinavia, where Forsberg is revered as a Norse God, there was great lamentation and whaling and blubbering. The lamentators said, "We love Peter. We want to have his children. How can this be happening? Our lives are ruined. There is no hope for us now. Lord, take me now. I have nothing left to live for now that Sweet Peter has been voted from the Clubhouse." The President of Scandinavia declared a week of mourning upon learning of the tragedy. In a prepared statement he explained, "Un du fun deen. Un du fun deen. Un du fun deen he de dor - Bork! Bork! Bork!"

The SuavaBuavas were also dismayed to learn that they were out of contention for the coveted Big Brother thing. The SB's were early season favorites, having selected Marty Turco and Forsberg, but the world is full of playa' haters and both Turco and Forsberg were evicted at the first opportunity. When asked for comment, the Buava's GM stated, "(beat) (beat) Crap. (beat) That's what you wanted, right? A comment. (beat) Why are you still staring at me? I answered your question. (beat) Really, what's your problem? (beat) (beat) Fine, you can stay here and stare at where I was standing. I'm in need of some munchies."

Sydor seemed at least half-pleased with the outcome—at least those standing to his right thought that he looked pleased. Those on the left told a different story.

Week 11 - WED 12.31 FINALLY! Under the heading of "It's about time," Peter Forsberg and Darryl Sydor were nominated for eviction this week. This is the first nomination for each. Although oft injured, Forsberg has been scoring 1.92 NHL ppg. He has played in 5 DOH games this season, scoring a total of 5 points (1 ppg). Sydor, the fourth best Damage defenseman, has scored 12.5 DOH points in 19 DOH games and averages .66 ppg.

Olli Jokinen stated, "It's about time. Dose jerks gotsn't even been nominated befo'e. ah' hope dat dey bod dig kicked out. Man!"

In Vegas, betting lines were released today by Fat Tony with odds of 2-1 that Forsberg would be evicted. The odds were 10-1 that any women would vote against the Norse God.

Forsberg's speech: Could you really live with yourself if you voted me out? Really, could you?

Sydor's speech: Please don't vote me out. You hadn't even realized that I was in the Clubhouse until now.

Week 10 1/2 - Wed 12.31 A SERVING OF BEANS ENDS THE PARTY Alex Khavanov was voted from the Big Brother Clubhouse Sunday. Frantic lobbying by the GM of the Three-Bean Salad was only partially responsible for the eviction. "He gave everyone Levitra as a Christmas gift. I think that some of the guys were offended," explained Evgini Nabokov.

"I was just tired of seeing him flash that pale body over and over again," complained Tomas Kaberle.

It was likely that Khavanov's measly .17 ppg and recent health scratch status hurt his chances, especially in light of the Damage's recent winning streak.

Neil Robinson also became the first (and hopefully not the last) GM to weigh in on the Big Brother voting when he lobbied to evict Khavanov. Although Robinson could not be reached for comment, sources indicate that Robinson was offended by Khavanov's "woo hoo attitude." An unnamed source stated that Robinson was particularly offended that Khavanov "never showed him anything good anyway." For whatever reason, Robinson's urging was likely enough to tip the scales, and evict the party animal.

Week 10 - TUE 12.23 I DON'T UNDERSTAND MATH. So someone with a stronger math background than I have will have to figure this one out. In a clash of the titans, Petr Sykora and Alex Khavanov are up for nomination this week. Khavanov is nominated for the third time while Sykora is nominated for the third time in a row.

Khavanov appeared unfazed upon hearing the news, having already consumed an entire gallon of spiked eggnog. Sykora also had little reaction, most likely due to his habit of applying great quantities of Nair in a confined space.

Clearly, what each wanted for Christmas was to remain in the Big Brother Clubhouse.

Sykora's speech: Just dig my dreamy stare.

Khavanov's speech: Woo Ho Ho! Party! Woo Ho Ho!

Week 9 - FRI 12.19 LEFT HAND COLUMN LOSES AGAIN! Joe Nieunasfdyk is the latest victim of the left hand column curse. Seven players from the "left" have been voted out, while only two from the "right" have exited the Clubhouse.

Early voting indicated that Sykora would almost certainly be evicted, but the tide suddenly turned and Nieusfhdky was evicted from the Clubhouse in the closest voting in Big Brother history.

This vote eliminates the first DOH team from the house as SOTI loses its second player. When asked for comment about the eviction, SOTI GM Clinton Dickey said, "What? You mean we're last in that too?"

Cutting the dead weight from the Clubhouse has aided the Damage in recent weeks as they have quietly won four in a row. In fact, the Damage have only lost once in the last eight games and willed themselves into playoff contention. When asked if Niejadfkjdyk's 1.09 ppg will be missed from the Clubhouse lineup, co-GM Deb Alterman said, "You can kick them all out if it will get us into the playoffs and keep us from having to do web pages next season. And while I was crushed at the time, Turco's getting out of the Clubhouse turned out to be the best thing ever. Who knew he would start a pay-per-view stretching channel?"

Week 9 - TUE 12.16 IT'S ABOUT THAT TIME OF THE YEAR WHEN I THINK THAT THIS GRUDGE MATCH BET WILL NEVER, EVER END, er... WHAT I MEANT TO SAY WAS - WOO HOO! TWO MORE NOMINEES FOR EVICTION! Yet again, one player is nominated twice in a row for eviction. This week Petr Sykora and Joe Niuweenydk will go head to head. "I was beginning to think that I would never be nominated," said Nieujafsldjk. Sykora expected a tougher challenge this week. "I felt pretty confident against Zhitnik. The X-File look is so 90s. Niehadfljyk is pretty cute though. This could be a problem."

Both contestants set about securing votes of confidence amongst the ClubhouseGuests. Peter Forsberg and Todd Marchant have emerged as two of the natural leaders in the Clubhouse and both nominees began courting their support. At this point, no firm deals have been struck, but we'll be watching...

Sykora's speech: I still smell like Nair.

Newwendike's speech: Keep me for Grrrl power. You can't spell Nieuwendyk without "Wendy." Of course it also spells - "u windy? keen." So keep me if you like the natural powers of the earth too.

Week 8 - FRI 12.12 THIRD TIME'S A CHARM FOR ZHITNIK The discovery of a dishwasher dooms Zhitnik. "We just didn't know what that thing in the kitchen was," explained Darryl Sydor. "Kaberle had been using it to wash his delicates. Once we figured out it was for dishes, we really didn't need Zhitnik anymore." It was a sad day for Zhitnik who had cleaned his way past two prior eviction nominations.

When asked about Zhitnik's contribution to the Damage, GM Dziadosz said, "Well, we're 4-1-1 over the last six games and I'm proud to say that Zhitnik has been on the bench to watch it all. And if that bench goes flying up into the air because he's not there to sit on it, well then we've lost a perfectly good bench, haven't we."

When asked to reflect on what Zhitnik has brought to the Damage over the past six games, Evgeni Nabokov said, "I'll always remember that assist he had a couple games ago. At least I think that he had an assist. Tough to remember really."

Olli Jokinen clearly expressed the feelings of the Club house when he explained, "I dink dat da damn dude's ok. Ya' know? ah' mean, he's neva' been de best playa' in de club crib cause he ain't got skilz, but he's ok. Ya' know? Peace out."

Week 8 - TUE 12.9 WELL ZHITNIK! I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE BEEN NOMINATED FOR A THIRD TIME. After surviving nomination in the first two weeks of Big Brother, Alexei Zhitnik again finds himself a few votes away from eviction. This David Duchovny look-alike has scored only six DOH points this season and is ranked 7 out of eight Damage forwards. He's 79th out of all 96 DOH defenseman. Not fantastic numbers. But you can't get around the fact that the little fella looks like Fox Mulder. "I wanna believe" that this guy can get better this season.

Also up for nomination this week: first timer Petr Sykora. The Damage couldn't do without Sykora, not because this forward is that good, but because the others are, well... Sykora is the Damage's 8th best forward, knocking down .86 DOH ppg. AND he's in the top 93 in the NHL!

Neither player has made too many waves in the Clubhouse. Zhitnik has been doing the Clubhouse dishes since his near eviction in Week 2. And as for personal hygiene, since going head to head with the dashing Alexei Kovalev, not only does Zhitnik wash, but he rinses AND repeats.

Sykora is best known for his cowardly demeanor during the first days of "Brow-gate" as the players have begun to call the Dafoe eyebrow incident. Only recently have the ClubhouseGuests begun to emerge from hiding and return to their normal routines. Sykora still remains out of sight as much as possible, mumbling and covered in Nair.

Zhitnik's speech: Third time's a charm! Wait, that's not right. Can I do this over? No? You have got to be kidding me! This is total crap. No seriously...

Sykora's speech: Man does this Nair burn!

Week 7 - SAT 12.6 DAFOE BROWS OUT  In the closest voting in Big Brother history, Byron Dafoe was voted from the Clubhouse today. No players were available for comment after the news—all were in hiding, awaiting the capture of Dafoe's still missing eyebrow. A few hours ago, the Clubhouse came alive with joy when Todd Marchant announced that he had captured the little beast, only to descend into sadness and fear upon learning that Marchant had actually caught Khavanov's bearskin thong. A mad scramble then ensued as the players again sought cover. No doubt all hope that the hairy devil will leave with its master.

Week 7 - FRI 12.5 TERROR REIGNS IN BIG BROTHER CLUBHOUSE! The Clubhouse was filled with screams of terror this afternoon after one of Bryon Dafoe's eyebrows got loose. "I'm still not sure how it happened," Dafoe said. "I think I just nodded off and it must have made a break for it."

"Scared? You bet I'm scared," stated a clearly startled Petr Sykora, whose eyes constantly scanned his surroundings. "How the hell could this happen? I can't believe that thing is running around loose in here! They don't pay me enough to deal with this *^#%! Remember last year, when Mike Ricci tried to grow a mustache—well this is way scarier than that."

The Clubhouse went on full alert as the players sought to protect themselves. Teams of two cautiously searched the Clubhouse for the whereabouts of the wayward brow. "There's no way I can go to sleep until we find that thing," Sykora complained.

It is rumored that the management of the Clubhouse, fearing potential liability should the wild hair attack a player, briefly considered removing everyone from the premises until it could be contained. Ultimately it was decided that the players would have to fend for themselves against the hostile growth. "I feel like we're in one of those horror films where we're trapped with no weapons," explained Peter Forsberg. "The only thing I can hope is that it will hold still long enough for me to get it with the tweezers."

When asked if he thought this incident would hurt Dafoe's chances to remain in the Clubhouse, Forsberg said, "Let me put it this way. The ONLY reason that Dafoe is still here is that some of the guys are hoping that thing will alight on Dafoe's ugly melon again. That's it."

Week 7 - TUE 12.2 LIST OF EVICTEES - DOH TIES REVEALED. A quick update of where we stand as we enter Week 7 of Big Brother Clubhouse:

1. Marty Turco, SB
2. Alexie Kovalev, PJP
3. Martin Gelinas, FL
4. Mike Comrie, SOTI
5. Jason Arnott, LPS
6. Ryan Smyth, TBS

The Scratchy is down to the Itchy 4-2. But no team has lost all its players, and a valuable prize for the DOH team winner hangs in the balance.

STOP THE MADNESS! Byron Dafoe and Martin Skoula are the latest nominees for eviction. Dafoe has been something of the odd-man-out in the Clubhouse thus far. "He's rarely on the ice, so he's always in the Clubhouse. It seems like he's always around," said Pavol Demitra.

In fact, Dafoe in ranked 47 out of 49 DOH goalies. But he's still the Damage's third best goalie (Dan Blackburn is ranked 49th). In the three DOH games he has played, he has amassed a mighty five points, for a 1.67 ppg average.

"He hogs the bathroom grooming his eyebrows," Peter Forsberg complained. "And he stuck his finger in my peanut butter. What's up with that?"

Martin Skoula is one of the more quiet ClubhouseGuests. "He just plays his game," commented Mike Fisher . "I hear that he only has a .75 ppg average, but that's cool. He's still the Damage's third best defenseman."

"I like him because he looks like the rally monkey," said Darryl Sydor.

Dafoe's speech: Do not vote against me. My eyebrows are powerful! Obey them!

Skoula's speech: I'm the rally monkey! Watch me dance!

Week 6 - FRI 11.28 THE CLUBHOUSE LOSES A SMYTH. In the closest voting in Big Brother history...ahhh, who are we kidding—Ryan Smyth was voted out in a landslide. Apparently, almost no one can stand him. Is it his unkempt hair? His oafish look? His offensive odor? No one knows for sure. But one thing is certain, people don't dig Ryan.

Tomas Kaberle and Alex Khavanov seemed to be the most upset by Smyth's departure. "He will really be missed," Kaberle said. "He knew where to get the good stuff. I don't know what we're going to do."

Week 6 - TUE 11.25 HOUSE FORCED TO VOTE BETWEEN A "WOO" AND A "WOO HOO" As quickly as you can make sausage, two new members in the Clubhouse have been nominated for eviction. Actually, Alex Khavanov is not "new" as much as he is a "continuing" nominee: "It's a real bummer. The disco ball didn't turn out as well as I had hoped and I don't think that showing the guys my boobs is going to work for much longer. Woo Hoo! Party!"

Ryan Smyth was also nominated. He seemed at best perplexed by his nomination. When asked for comment he merely said, "nom...i...na..." and drifted off into silence.

That Symth has actually been spending a great deal of time at Khavanov's late night parties may be the reason for Smyth's confusion. "He wasn't this stupid when he walked into the house," one member of the Clubhouse was heard to say.

Smyth's speech: I have two "y's" in my names. Most people don't have that. So when you're thinking about "why" you should vote for me, remember that there's a second "why" in my name so it's like a double negative. It's like, "why not" should I vote for him and you then vote for the other guy.

Khavanov's speech: Boobs! Party! Woo Hoo! Woo Hoo! Party! Boobs!

Week 5 - FRI 11.21 ARNOTT KICKED OUT OF BIG BROTHER HOUSE. In the closest voting in Big Brother history, the LPS's Jason Arnott was kicked out the Clubhouse Friday. Other members of the Clubhouse seemed relieved. "He threatened to beat me up when I asked him to help comb out my hair in the mornings," said Peter Forsberg. "It's not like I have a lot of tangles or anything. I think that he must have problems."

Week 5 - TUE 11.18 IT'S ON AGAIN Y'ALL. Two new members of the Clubhouse were placed on the chopping block today. First time nominees Jason "are too" Arnott and Alex "gone wild" Khavanov will battle it out to remain in the Clubhouse. Khavanov has kept to himself for much of the past two days as he attempts to create a disco ball out of tin foil and uneaten meatballs. Khavanov explained that he is planning a "major rager" party to woo support of the ClubhouseGuests. "They won't be able to resist the mirror ball," said Khavanov. "And have you gotten a good look at Jason? He looks just like the kid that used to beat you up and take your lunch money. Not that I was ever beaten up—too pretty."

Arnott, still shaking off the Keyser Soze scare last week, appeared determined to remain in the Clubhouse. Since his nomination, Arnott has approached each member of the Clubhouse privately and let them know that if they vote for him, he will beat them up and take their lunch money.

Khavanov's speech: Vote for Arnott and I'll show you my boobs! Woo Hoo! Party!

Arnott's speech: Vote for Arnott and Khavanov will show you his boobs. And then I'll beat the crap out of you.

In other exciting news, it was revealed that last week's loser was playing the Big Brother game on behalf of the SOTI.

Week 4 - FRI 11.14 IF A GUY LEAVES A HOUSE HE'S NOT IN, CAN YOU HEAR THE DOOR CLOSE BEHIND HIM? This week Mike Comrie was voted out of the Big Brother Clubhouse. No one saw him leave the Clubhouse though. Of course, no one has ever seen him in the house at all.

We were able to reach Comrie's agent, who conveyed Comrie's disappointment.

Week 4 - THU 11.13 CONFUSION REIGNS IN BIG BROTHER CLUBHOUSE. When Dan Blackburn and Mike Comrie were nominated for eviction this week, ClubhouseGuests seemed perplexed by the choices they would have to make. "I've never seen either of them. I don't think that they've ever showed up. And I don't mean that they've never showed up like Dafoe and Andreychuk haven't showed up this season. I mean I don't think that they've ever been in the house. How can we vote someone out who has never been here?"

Jason Arnott said, "I heard that Mike Comrie is actually Keyser Soze. I'm not voting for Comrie. Some say they don't believe in God, but they're afraid of him. Well I believe in God, and the only thing that scares me is Mike Comrie. He killed his wife and kids; think what he could do to me. "

Rumors also swirled about Blackburn. Just one day ago Forsberg and Demitra were convinced by Byron Dafoe that Blackburn was an elf in Santa's workshop and his toymaking duties kept him away from the house.

Comrie's speech: [dogs barking in the distance]

Blackburn's speech: [low-level hum from the refrigerator]

Fisher may have best expressed the sentiments of the house when he said, "I don't know either of them. I'll identify the most likely candidate who could leave the house he's not in."

Week 3 - FRI 11.7 Martin Gelinas is out of the Big Brother Clubhouse, without even so much as a toaster as a parting gift. Even sadder, the Freeloaders are down to only one representative in the Clubhouse.

Week 3 - TUE 11.4 The hand of fate that masquerades as chance has given the finger to two more members of the Big Brother Clubhouse. Up for eviction this week are Martin Gelinas and Mike Fisher.

"We're just going to have to try to decide which one is more worthless," said Joe Nieuwendyk. That may be a tough choice. Gelinas is averaging his typical .5 ppg, while Mike Fisher has yet to post a single point this year.

Fisher's speech: I'm good but I have a bad elbow.

Gelinas's speech: I'm good but I have bad talent.

It looks to be a tough week in the Clubhouse. As Sean Hill so eloquently stated, "I have no idea who I want outta here. In this house, there are those that are for you, and those that are against you—and they are."

Well said.

Week 2 - FRI 10.31 WHO WAS VOTED OUT? I DON'T KNOW, ALEX-SEE. In the closest voting in Big Brother history, Alexei Kovalev was voted from the Clubhouse today. His ouster came as a shock to many. He scored a goal in Game 3 to help lead the STD to a whopping 26.5-13.5 win over the Jammies (who, as luck would have it, Kovalev was playing Big Brother for). And while he did not score in a loss to the SBs in Game 4, he was at least on the ice, which could not be said for 3 starting Damage forwards and one Damage goalie. But it looks like his .7 ppg average finally caught up with him.

Week 2 - WED 10.29 There was much excitement in the Clubhouse today as Todd Marchant created a bathing suit for himself made entirely of lettuce and peanut butter. The other ClubhouseGuests quickly followed suit.

"It was all fun and games until we realized that the peanut butter and lettuce was all we had to eat for the next three days," Peter Forsberg said sadly. The Clubhouse then seemed to divide into two factions—those who thought that they should each eat the food off his own body and those who thought that one of the ClubhouseGuests should be killed and eaten.

Byron Dafoe posed an alternative, suggesting that they should each eat the food off another ClubhouseGuest. This proposal was, however, summarily rejected.

Ultimately it was decided that the prudent course of action was for each player to eat the food off his body, despite the protestations of Tomas Kaberle, who clearly had not needed much lettuce to form his bathing suit and would be left with little to eat.

"We'll know better next time," said Mike Fisher.

Week 2 - TUE 10.28 Marty Turco today revealed that he was playing Big Brother on behalf of SuavaBuava. "Yeah, I was there for SuavaBuava. Fat lotta good that did me. But the real reason I'm here is to talk about my beef with Shaquille O'Neal. Big toe injury?! How lame. He needs to sort of stand up and lead somewhere to something. And he never supported me when I couldn't get that full splits stretch. Like I'm supposed to follow him when he can't even touch his big nasty toes."

Turco, if he in fact knows the identity of the other SuavaBuava player in the house, was unwilling to disclose him.

Inside the house today, Alexei Zhitnik did the dishes for all the ClubhouseGuests. "I need to make myself indispensable. Do things that no one else can do or live without. I think that doing the dishes will keep me in this game a long time."

Alexei Kovalev took a different approach, offering to "do the hair" of any ClubhouseGuest. Only Pavol Demita took him up on the offer.

Week 2 - SUN 10.26 Today the newest nominees for eviction were selected. It's the battle of the Alexeis as Alexei Kovalev and Alexei Zhitnik are up for eviction in Week 2. Zhitnik took his nomination hard, while Kovalev was a little more sedate about the news: he went outside, lit a cigarette, and began grooming his fabulous hair.

Zhitnik's speech: You have got to be kidding me! Is anyone aware that I was up last week? I hate you all, I mean, please don't vote me out.

Kovalev's speech: Ah...sweet American nicotine. No worries.

Week 1 - FRI 10.24: In the closest voting in Big Brother history, Marty Turco was evicted from the Clubhouse this week. Turco, the first player picked by the Damage, was an early season disappointment, mustering only two measley points in a three point loss to the Monkeys.

Turco's eviction appeared to have a great effect on the ClubhouseGuests. Martin Gelinas immediately proclaimed himself the new "ruler of the house," demanding that all others "bow before him." He and Skoula almost came to blows before Khavanov lighted the mood by lifting his shirt and screaming, "Look at me. I have very much gone wild."

Zhitnik, very excited to have his head off the chopping block, immediately struck up an alliance with Byron Dafoe, who claimed to control Dan Blackburn's vote. Blackburn, however, has yet to be seen in the clubhouse. Despite Dafoe's reassurances, many ClubhouseGuests surmise that Blackburn is presently in a lower rated clubhouse on the WB network.

Sean Hill and Peter Forsberg bonded, playing Chutes and Ladders for twelve hours straight.

In related story, the management team of the Severe Tire Damage went into mourning following Turco's eviction and threatened to boycott the remainder of the broadcast season. "Why the hell should I watch now?!" Deb was heard to say.

Week 1 - MON 10.20 The boys moved into the house today. There was a lot of excitement and some tension too. Jason Arnott went straight for the big bed, upsetting Evgeni Nabokov: "If I'm going to be stuck in here for twenty-two weeks, I don't want to get stuck sleeping on a cot—or in a room with Ryan Smith. Man does that guy smell foul."

Martin Skoula seemed to upset everyone when he used all the toilet paper in a failed attempt to create an origami pterodactyl. Byron Dafoe was heard to comment, "What is this thing? It's no good - FOR ME TO POOP ON!"

Alexei Kovalev seemed most at home. "I'd rather be here than with the Rangers," Kovalev said.

Some scheming began as well as the ClubhouseGuests began making tentative alliances.

All were shocked when Marty Turco and Alexei Zhitnik were randomly nominated for eviction. Turco calmed himself by stretching his ankles behind his head. The stunned expression on Zhitnik's face seemed to indicate that Turco had caused him to forget about the possibility of eviction.

Turco's nomination speech: Don't evict me; I'm pretty and stretchy.

Zhitnik's speech: I can't handle eviction. My name already sounds like pimples.

The biggest question seemed to be the whereabouts of Dan Blackburn. "We were told he is in the house, but we can't find him," Peter Forsberg said.

All and all, everyone seemed to settle in well in the Clubhouse. They have a long twenty-two weeks ahead of them.

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