This week, Bryan Smolinski was, dare I say it, en fuego. Traded from struggling Los Angles to Ottawa, a Cup contender, Smolinski put up big numbers. He had four points in a Game 33 win against the Greens (24 - 20), and threw in a point in the one-point loss to the Salad (21-29). With performances like these, you would have thought that Smolinski would be playing in Ottawa for many years to come. That is why it was such a shock to Bryan when he was traded to Mrs. Brown for a cow and 7 pounds of homemade butter.

We spoke to Bryan on the farm while he pitch-forked hay with his hockey stick.

So what do you think about this trade?

Well, I just want to help my new team, er...farm. You know, help with the scoring, or chores. Hopefully I can...[suddenly weeping] I can’t take this! This is insane! What the hell am I doing here?

How could you let something like this happen?

They told me that I was going to our farm team. I wasn’t happy about that, but they can send me down; it’s in my contract. But I never thought that they would send me to an actual farm! Mrs. Brown has me milking cows and shoveling manure. And at night, she tells me she wants children. That is not in my contract. She’s like 70 years old!

If you’re so unhappy, why did you sign a long-term deal with her?

My agent said it was the best deal I could get. What was I thinking?! I have more teeth than any of her relatives! Please shoot me!

At this point, your reporter terminated the interview when Smolinski became far too pathetic for my liking. See you next week with more hard hitting hockey interviews.